Saying it right - CHILDWISE

Children need effective feedback from their parents to help them act appropriately.

The other day, my five-year-old nephew asked whether he could switch on the telly. I told him that he could do so after he had practised on the piano for five minutes. We had discussed this before. In response to my gentle but firm reminder, he said: “I don’t understand.”

I repeated myself and he gave me the same response. The third time round, he said, “Ok.”

My responses had remained the same, like a broken record. My nephew learned that there was to be no argument between us. He just had to do something to get what he wants.

We respond to our children differently when they behave differently. When they are cooperative, we react in a certain manner. If they misbehave or act defiantly, we react in another way. No matter what our response is, we are giving our children feedback. We want to use helpful ways so that our children know what they are doing.

The key to effective feedback is to be consistent and firm. Say what you mean and mean what you say. As children grow and become more experienced, they know when you are just putting on an act or trying to brush them off. It does not take much effort to be reasonable. Parents only need to recognise their children’s needs, as well as their interests.

Some children crave for attention. They would rather get negative attention than have none at all. When you are on the phone, your child might interrupt just to see whether you will yield to him. If you scold or threaten your child, you are reinforcing his negative behaviour. He may try this again the next time you are on the phone.

Children will behave accordingly when parents are reasonable with them. Tell your child that you will attend to him once you have finished talking on the phone. When he is able to wait without any interruption, thank him for his behaviour. Children need to hear from their parents what they should not do as well as what they should do. When they act appropriately, they should receive encouraging words such as: “You waited for me to finish my phone call. I know you worked at being quiet.” If we want our children to learn the right thing to do, we must use the right words to guide them.

Sometimes it is very difficult to get children to follow what we tell them to do. Many adults like to insist that their children apologise to show that they are remorseful for their wrongdoing. Some children can become so upset that they refuse to say “Sorry.” When this happens, parents should not consider a harsher punishment or become angrier with the child.

Some children may feel overwhelmed by the negative feelings around them. Instead of forcing them to say they are sorry, parents can suggest that they find a better way to make amends. If your son hits your daughter, he can help her put away her toys for three days or he can make her something nice as a present to make her feel better. He can also use words to tell her that he is angry, instead of hitting her.

One school-age girl was caught stealing money from a family member. She refused to admit her wrongdoing and apologise for what she had done. Her foster mother told her that if she chose not to say sorry, she could use her allowance to repay double the amount she had stolen. She did not like this choice, so she returned the money.

When you want to help children learn the best way to behave and cooperate, try to do so one step at a time. Concentrate on one problem at a time. With very young children, you need to give them more time before they learn the correct behaviour. You may have to repeat yourself before they actually learn to do what you want. When you are trying to change a behaviour, focus on what is the easiest thing that your child can do.

With older children, help them to develop skills to control their situation. For example, offer them the words to use to express their feelings and thoughts. Teach them positive ways they can get attention. When they try out positive measures to deal with their problems, acknowledge their effort.

Believe that your child wants to be good and wants to please you. All you need to do is to strike a balance between providing support and nurturing to direct their behaviour.

By Ruth Liew, TheStar, Parentings, Thursday January 10, 2008